Taking the Ultimate Tourist Plunge: Bus Tours and Bone Chillers in New Orleans
Look, I know what you’re thinking: A bus tour? Really? But hear me out. New Orleans is a hotbed of culture, history, and voodoo-adjacent spookiness. And how else was I supposed to soak it all in while digesting 3,000 calories of beignets? So yes, we boarded the bus, listened to our microphone-wielding guide, and rolled through the city in air-conditioned comfort.
And yes, I fell asleep. (Don’t judge me; I’m powered by sugar and vibes, and sometimes the sugar runs out.) But when we stopped at one of those iconic cemeteries, the whole trip suddenly felt justified.
The Tombs: Multi-Level Marketing, but for Corpses
New Orleans cemeteries are nothing short of mesmerizing. I’m not trying to sound like that one goth friend who always brings up memento mori at brunch, but these tombs are incredible. They’re like tiny death condos, and the design is both practical and horrifying in equal measure.
Here’s how it works:
• First layer: This is for the “fresh” occupant. You know, newly deceased, not yet part of the ash party downstairs.
• Second layer: When a new tenant arrives, the top layer occupant gets bumped down. By now, the Louisiana heat has done its thing and turned them into a convenient, travel-sized pile of ash.
• Third layer: This is the final stop, where all previous occupants’ remains are swept into a communal family ash pile. It’s like a Costco-size urn but with better real estate.
Is it macabre? Absolutely. Is it also kind of efficient? Weirdly, yes. If you’re gonna spend eternity somewhere, might as well do it with central heating and a solid HOA.
Old Lady Skelly: The Petty Queen of Eternal Rest
Now, no cemetery tour would be complete without a dramatic story, and this one came with the perfect villain: Old Lady Skelly.
According to our guide, Old Lady Skelly was filthy rich and had a daughter who was the human equivalent of a red flag. The daughter, being a spoiled little chaos goblin, allegedly once screamed, “When you’re dead, I’ll have all your money!” Classic heir behavior.
Old Lady Skelly, not one to be out-petulanced, said, “Oh, no you don’t,” and proceeded to pour her entire fortune into building the most outrageously extravagant tomb possible. Think Versailles, but for corpses. She even made it legally binding that her daughter couldn’t be buried with her. Instead, she left the whole thing to her beloved dog. Yes, the dog got a spot. The daughter got nothing. Absolute power move.
Except… it’s all nonsense.
What’s True, What’s Not, and Why You Shouldn’t Trust Tour Guides
Turns out, Old Lady Skelly’s story is a mix of fact, fiction, and a tour guide who wanted better tips. Here’s the breakdown:
• The Lie: Old Lady Skelly didn’t have a daughter. She only had sons. Which, I mean, wow, that really takes the wind out of the scandalous drama, huh?
• The Truth: She really is entombed with her dog. That part is 100% true, and honestly, it’s kind of heartwarming.
So there you have it: a woman, her dog, and a lot of overblown rumors. Moral of the story? Don’t trust everything you hear on a tour, but do marvel at the level of petty people can achieve, even in death.
*This article is rewritten and updated version of a previous post.
