By someone who didn’t sign up for this but now has very strong opinions about root vegetables
Let’s talk about beets. You know, those ruby-hued orbs lurking in your CSA box, looking suspiciously like they were dug up by a particularly ambitious raccoon. Beets are the kind of food you either adore with the fiery passion of a thousand suns or regard with the same enthusiasm you’d reserve for jury duty.
For the uninitiated (or beet-haters seeking enlightenment), here’s everything you need to know about these earthy nuggets of joy and/or regret.
What Even Are Beets?
Beets are root vegetables, which means they grow underground—like potatoes, carrots, or your darkest secrets. They come in a variety of colors: the classic deep red, sunny golden yellow, and occasionally a candy-striped variety called chioggia, which looks like a vegetable tried out for Cirque du Soleil.
They’re packed with nutrients like fiber, folate, potassium, and antioxidants, which basically means they’re a smoothie in solid form. But don’t be fooled by their good intentions—beets also have quirks that could make or break your relationship with them.
The Pros: Why Beets Are Basically Superheroes in Vegetable Form
Nutritional Powerhouses:
Beets basically are like the people who wakes up at 5 a.m. to do yoga and meal prep. They’re full of vitamins and minerals that help support brain function, heart health, and even athletic performance (they’re high in nitrates, which can improve blood flow).
Versatility:
Roast them, boil them, blend them, pickle them—beets can do it all. They’re the Taylor Swift of the vegetable world: endlessly adaptable. Toss them into salads, blend them into smoothies, or even bake them into brownies for a “healthy” dessert that still tastes like chocolate dirt.
They’re Pretty:
Let’s not overlook aesthetics. Beet juice can stain everything from cutting boards to your soul, but my gosh, does it make a dish look fancy.
The Sweet Earthy Flavor:
Beet lovers often describe the taste as “earthy.” Beet haters also describe the taste as “earthy,” but with the addition of a gag reflex. Regardless, there’s a certain sweetness to beets when cooked properly that’s reminiscent of candy—if that candy had been stored in a compost pile.
The Cons: What Beets Don’t Want You to Know
That ‘Earthy’ Taste:
Let’s be real: they taste like dirt. Sweet dirt, sure, but still dirt. Some people (not me) enjoy this rustic, farm-to-table flavor. Others (definitely me) do not.
Prep Work = A Crime Scene:
Cutting beets is an experience akin to filming a low-budget horror movie. Your hands, your counter, your white kitchen towel—everything is stained with beet juice, and it’s forever. If you don’t like scrubbing your sink for 20 minutes post-meal, maybe stick with carrots.
They Turn Your Pee Pink:
No one talks about this, but they should. Eating a significant amount of beets can lead to beeturia, a condition that sounds like a medieval illness but really just means you’ll have neon-pink urine. It’s harmless but deeply alarming the first time it happens.
Texture Troubles:
Beets can be mushy when overcooked, slimy when pickled, and crunchy when raw (but in a “break your molars” kind of way). It’s a culinary minefield, honestly.
So, Should You Eat Beets?
The answer depends on what you want out of your food. If you’re looking for a nutritional powerhouse that doubles as a natural tie-dye kit, beets are your vegetable soulmate. If the idea of eating dirt doesn’t appeal to you, maybe pass.
For those brave enough to embrace the beet: roast them with olive oil and salt, and pair them with goat cheese for a flavor combination that might just convert you. Or at least convince you that maybe, just maybe,beets are worth the mess.
And if they’re not? Well, at least you can use them to prank your roommates with that whole pee thing.
Further Reading:
Bjarnadottir, Adda. “Beetroot 101: Nutrition Facts nd Health Benefits.” Healthline. May 12. 2023.
Luo, Elaine K. “Do Beets Make Your Pee Red? All About Beeturia.” Healthline. March 9, 2023.
Trowbridge Filippone, Peggy. “What Are Beets? A Guide to Buying, Cooking, and Storing Beets.” The Spruce Eats. September 29, 2022.
