Look. I came here for a bagel. Just a bagel. A humble little circle of carbs with some salmon and cream cheese, because sometimes you don’t need bells and whistles. Sometimes you just want breakfast that won’t fight back.
Bethesda Bagels in Washington D.C., however, said: “Oh honey, no. You came for a snack, but you’re leaving with trauma.”
The Bagel
Credit where it’s due: the bagel itself? Solid. Chewy, flavorful, baked by someone who respects gluten. If you surgically removed it from the rest of the crime scene, you’d think, “Yeah, this is a nice bagel.”
The Cream Cheese Debacle
But then—THE CREAM CHEESE.
Not a schmear. Not even a double schmear. What I received was a whole container of cream cheese lovingly crammed between two innocent bagel halves like a dairy booby trap.
One bite in, and I was instantly transported to a white, tangy hellscape. Salmon? Couldn’t find her. Bagel? Suffocating under dairy quicksand. My mouth? Immediately filed a restraining order.
What Went Right vs. What Went Very, Very Wrong
- Right: Bagel texture.
- Wrong: My breakfast sandwich doubling as a mortar substitute for home renovations.
- Unforgivable: I didn’t order a block of cream cheese with a bagel garnish, and yet here we are.
Final Thoughts
Bethesda Bagels, you’re close. You could be great. But please, for the love of lox, learn restraint.
Would I come back? Sure, but only if I bring my own putty knife to scrape off 80% of the filling.
This is a 2019 article from the archives.
