Because your pantry deserves better than raw almonds and self-loathing
Let’s talk about hazelnuts, the trust fund babies of the nut world. They’re small, fancy, expensive, and taste like generational wealth dipped in chocolate. Unlike the culinary deadweights that are plain cashews or the cardio bro energy of almonds, hazelnuts are here to say, “I don’t do CrossFit. I do croissants.”
You may know them as the main character of Nutella, the whisper in your bougie latte, or the thing you pick out of a Ferrero Rocher before remembering you’re supposed to savor it, not Hoover it like a Roomba with trauma. But the truth is, hazelnuts have been classy little divas since before your ancestors had pants.
Where Did Hazelnuts Come From, And Can I Return My Family For Not Growing Them?
Hazelnuts originated in Europe and Asia Minor, meaning they were around when humans were still poking fire with sticks and wondering if mammoth was paleo. Ancient Scots were munching on them 9,000 years ago, proving once again that the only good thing to ever come from damp, prehistoric Britain was a snack.
The Romans loved them. Medieval monks really loved them. And postwar Italians made them iconic when chocolate was rationed, but hazelnuts were not. Ferrero slapped some in a chocolate paste and birthed Nutella—aka emotional support spread for Millennials who cry over student loans and Great British Bake Off eliminations.
What Do I Actually Do With These Lil’ Bastards?
Oh, you eat them. But you don’t just toss ‘em in your mouth raw unless you’re a raccoon with something to prove. Hazelnuts, like most complicated things in life (taxes, skincare routines, dating), need a little finesse.
Here’s how they shine:
- Roasted, salted, and tossed into salads like you’re the main character in a Drew Barrymore rom-com.
- Ground into flour or paste and used in desserts that make people think you went to culinary school instead of watching six episodes of This Is Us and crying.
- In oil form, either drizzled over heirloom tomatoes or slathered on your face like your pores owe you rent.
- In perfume, because nothing says “I have excellent taste and possibly a secret lover” like smelling faintly of toasted sugar and woodland witchery.
Pros: Hazelnuts Have Their Life Together
- Nutritional goldmine. Healthy fats, fiber, vitamin E—this nut is basically doing Pilates while you scroll TikTok.
- Absolutely delicious. They’re what almonds wish they tasted like.
- Chic AF. Show me someone who eats hazelnuts regularly and I’ll show you someone with a skincare fridge and a deeply fulfilling French press routine.
- Culinary overachiever. Sweet? Savory? Baking? Snacking? This nut does it all and still gets eight hours of sleep.
Cons: This Nut Has Boundaries
- Expensive. Buying hazelnuts feels like making a down payment on a snack. You will feel poor. You will eat them anyway.
- The skins are a menace. Removing hazelnut skins is like trying to ghost your situationship and they still show up in your DMs. Toast, rub, curse, repeat.
- Allergen alert. They’ll kill your friend Kyle. Don’t bring them to the potluck.
- Labor & sourcing. Most hazelnuts come from Turkey, and not always under the best labor conditions. If you’ve got the funds, look for fair-trade options. (Capitalism ruins everything, even nuts.)
Final Thoughts:
Hazelnuts are not a humble nut. They are not here to be sprinkled on sad yogurt or suffer in a trail mix next to banana chips and existential despair. Hazelnuts are here to elevate. To luxurify. To whisper, “You could be that babe, if only you roasted me.”
So yes. Buy the $9 bag. Toast them like you’re prepping for a dinner party with Nigella Lawson. And if you blend them into your own homemade Nutella, congratulations—you have become unstoppable. Rich in spirit, nutty in snack, and ready to ruin your tastebuds for anything less.
Further Reading:
Donat, Irfin. “Turkey’s Hazelnut Trap: Why Nutella Is Eating Up All The Profits.” World Crunch. October 21, 2024.
Mangini, Emily. “The Untold History Behind Nutella’s Rise to Household Fame.” Serious Eats. December 27, 2024.
Semeco, Arlene. “7 Ways Hazelnuts Benefit Your Health.” Healthline. July 13, 2023.
Stewart, Jennifer. “A Brief History of the Hazel from the ‘Beginning of Time’ to the 21st Century Oregon Hazelnut Industry.” Hazelnut Growers of Oregon.
Wills, Matthew. “Everything You Wanted To Know About Hazelnuts But Were Too Afraid To Ask.” JSTOR. November 14, 2019.
