There comes a moment in every person’s life when they look at their bathroom shelves—crowded with half-used moisturizers, abandoned serums, and a dry shampoo that may or may not predate the pandemic—and think: What if I just bought more stuff?
This is the story of that moment. And reader, I did not disappoint myself. I went on a beauty spree so excessive that it’s safe to say I’m now prepared for any scenario involving immaculate hair, flawless skin, and lips so hydrated they could host a pool party. Was it responsible? No. Was it fun? Oh, absolutely.
So, grab a cup of tea (preferably matcha, because Tatcha has taken over my soul), and let me walk you through the highlights of my latest beauty haul.
For My Hair: A Kerastase and Olaplex Affair
Kerastase Blond Absolu Illuminating Shampoo and Conditioner
These two are like a fairy godmother for blondes. The shampoo promises to brighten and the conditioner swears to hydrate, and together, they make your hair so shiny that birds might mistake you for a newly-washed car. My blonde foils haven’t looked this good since the day my stylist swindled me into spending $200 on it.
Kerastase 8H Magic Night Serum
Think of this as skincare for your hair. You slather it on before bed, and while you’re drooling on your pillow, it’s working some kind of witchcraft that leaves your hair soft, manageable, and slightly smug in the morning. It’s magic. Night magic.
Olaplex Clean Volume Detox Dry Shampoo
I’ve tried many dry shampoos, most of which leave my hair feeling like I dipped it in powdered sugar. Not this one. Olaplex has cracked the code, delivering a formula that somehow refreshes your hair and makes it look like you might have showered. Revolutionary.
Olaplex Hair Perfector No. 3
If you haven’t used Olaplex No. 3, you haven’t lived—or at least, your hair hasn’t. This little bottle is like CPR for overprocessed strands. Every time I use it, I feel like I’ve turned back the clock to the pre-flat-iron-abuse era.
For My Face: Tatcha, Hourglass, and a Little Regret
Hourglass Airbrush Concealer
This concealer is so good, I’m convinced it was made by people who have never had a bad under-eye day in their life. It doesn’t crease, it doesn’t cake, and it makes me look like I’ve slept a full eight hours (even when I absolutely have not).
Tatcha The Water Cream and The Dewy Skin Cream
Look, I don’t know what kind of wizardry Tatcha is performing in their lab, but both of these moisturizers are flawless. The Water Cream is light and airy, perfect for summer mornings. The Dewy Skin Cream is its rich, indulgent older sister who’s better suited for colder months—or when you’re dramatically hungover and need your skin to forgive you.
Tatcha The Rice Wash and The Matcha Cleanse
The Rice Wash is the gentlest cleanser I’ve ever used. It’s like a warm hug for your face. The Matcha Cleanse, on the other hand, feels like a slightly firmer handshake—but still very polite. Together, they’ve made washing my face feel less like a chore and more like a daily indulgence.
Tatcha Gold Camellia Oil
This oil is decadent. It’s the skincare equivalent of wearing silk pajamas to bed—it’s completely unnecessary, but once you try it, there’s no going back. It leaves my skin so soft and glowy that I half expect strangers to ask if I’ve been drinking unicorn tears.
Susanne Kaufman Rejuvenating Eye Cream
I will be reporting on this one soon. Sticky. Moisturizing. Eye-rollingly expensive. It’s like the skincare version of dating someone who’s great on paper but not quite right for you.
For My Lips: A Buffet of Bougie Balms
Summer Fridays Lip Butter Balm in Cherry and Birthday Cake
These balms are so good, I kind of want to eat them. The Cherry one gives you that “just-bitten” flush, while Birthday Cake smells like childhood dreams. They’re hydrating, non-sticky, and probably the closest I’ll ever come to achieving “effortlessly cool girl” lips.
Tatcha Kissu Lip Tint in Camellia
The Kissu Lip Tint is like a soft whisper for your lips. It’s subtle, hydrating, and makes you feel like you could star in a Tatcha ad where everything is dewy and in slow motion.
For My Eyes and Lashes: Fear and Danger
Colorsport Lash Tint
I am hopeful that this lash tint will be a game changer for lazy mornings. However, my disdain for reading directions and abject fear that I will go blind with the attempt have kept me from being my best glamorous self (maybe).
For Everything Else: Budget-Friendly and Bougie
Revlon Super Lustrous Matte Lipstick in After Hours
This lipstick is a drugstore gem. It’s rich, velvety, and makes you feel like you’ve got your life together—even if you’re just wearing pajama pants below your Zoom camera.
Final Thoughts
This haul was a rollercoaster of joy, indulgence, and the occasional “What am I doing with my life?” moment. Sure, I now have enough moisturizers and hair treatments to survive the apocalypse in style, but honestly? I regret nothing.
If self-care is a form of rebellion, consider me a “fuck the patriarchy” crusader with a Tatcha addiction.
