Books: Anna Karenina

I read Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy, a book that I’ve heard many call the greatest piece of literature ever written. And to that I say, “Are you freaking kidding me?!”

This book begins like a soap opera and degenerates to scenes that are better suited to a high school cafeteria than the squabbles of Russian nobility. There were parts that actually pained me to read thinking, “People didn’t actually act like this, did they?”

A friend of mine said they loved the book, that it brought up social issues like the idea that a man cheating on his wife wasn’t a big deal but how unfair it was that if a woman cheated on her husband she was treated like a social outcast. Mmm, no. This reads more like a warning to any woman who’s eyes stray to another man. What happens to Anna’s sense of character and the transformation that takes place is so overdone and dramatic, that please, dear God, don’t tell me that anyone’s reality would be relatable to this.

And now I’m going to give spoilers because I just CAN’T HELP MYSELF. Besides, I feel like I’m saving you time.

In the beginning of the book, we meet Anna Karenina, who (YAWN) is the most charming, beautiful, wonderful woman you will ever meet. BUT OMG, she’s falling for a count on the side and even gets pregnant and has to tell her husband he’s not the daddy. Don’t get me wrong, her husband is peeved at first but is basically like, “Look, this sucks. But if you want to see this count, go for it. I’ll do whatever you want to do. Carry on with this guy on the side. Stay married to me. Divorce me. Whatevs. Just know our son is staying with me.”

So Anna, because she’s charming and beautiful, pretty much rolls her eyes at this and says she can’t even bear living in the same house with him anymore. Yeah, I know, her husband is SUCH a dick (sarcasm) and I’m not sure if I’m supposed to feel sorry for Anna or not, but geez, she is not the girl I would’ve liked in high school.

So she runs away to Italy to raise her illegitimate daughter with the count. Yeah, she admits that she doesn’t even really love her daughter by the way so you could say she’s not really winning friends or influencing enemies in my book. Since living abroad is unsatisfactory, after a few years they come back to Russia. The Count is annoyed with her because she refuses to get a divorce from her husband because she’d lose all rights to the son THAT SHE ABANDONED.

And she now thinks her husband is cruel for not letting her see her son. I mean, I get his point. Look lady, you’re a dead beat mom and the last thing a kid needs is to be constantly abandoned by their mom who’s completely unreliable over and over again.

Oh and PLEASE, let us get back to the count, whom I’m positive she’d insert a GPS tracker in him if such technology existed at the time. She yells at him for not wanting to marry her and not being attracted to her, to which he constantly has to remind Anna, that he can’t marry her if she’s still wed to her husband. But Anna doesn’t get it. She still wants all the passwords to his iPhone and facebook account. Wait, wrong century, but you know what I’m saying.

On top of that, Anna bemoans that society seems to have shunned her. But you know what? That happens when you have a habit of flirting with other women’s significant others and trying to get them to fall in love with you because you are an attention whore. NO WOMAN WANTS YOU AROUND WHEN YOU DO THAT.

Anna is not the only character that infuriated me though. There’s another one called Levin, whom I feel like is supposed to be the good guy except he’s so hypocritical. We spend the majority of his scenes waxing poetic about how the peasants have such a great life and everyone should share in the wealth the way they do the labor. Everyone should make the same money, yaaaay! Except when someone questions why he doesn’t give his home away or equally divide his money amongst the peasants the way he spouts, he responds that it’s his duty to live like a nobleman and hold the money. Suuuuure. In modern day economics, he’d be the republican fighting for the working class, and then giving all the tax breaks to the top 1%. Because, you know, it’s the corporate bigwigs “duty” to distribute that wealth fairly. And we know how *that* works.

This book basically left me snorting non-stop. I CAN’T EVEN.