The Madera, a Kimpton Hotel in Washington D.C.

I don’t know what it is about Kimpton hotels, but I seem to be on a bad streak with them. The last time I stayed at the Palladian Kimpton in Seattle and was hugely disgruntled with the bathroom facilities. This time, at the Madera Kimpton in D.C., I was just an all around hot mess. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve every been such a spaz before–and that’s saying something!

It all started with the shower. The bathroom is small which is both good and bad. Good, because they put the sink and mirror part outside of the bathroom so I could get all dolled up while the man was in the bathroom. Bad because it turned the bathroom into the size of a shoe box. I am very much a bull in a china cabinet when it comes to small spaces. Feeling slightly claustrophobic, I shampoo, shave, and soap up as quickly as I can, while debating the merits of getting dressed in such cramped conditions. Might I add that this Kimpton also does not have a fan in the bathroom so I was getting a little short breathed and overheated with all the hot shower steam in the air. I decided the clothing would have to happen outside the bathroom and burst out.

I go to put on a camisole top and I kid you not, I COULD NOT GET IT ON. I was in a battle with the straps that went everywhere except where they were supposed to and the camisole kept curling up and in on itself. My boyfriend, laughing hysterically, proposed that I give up on the camisole and wear one of the animal print bathrobes provided by the hotel. The what?! You know there was no stopping me from checking those bad boys out.

And OMG, there they were in all their dilapidated glory–a cheetah print and giraffe print bathrobe. The only thing that stopped me from donning one was the idea that kinky stuff might have happened in them and Lord knows how often they get laundered.

After I got done mocking the bathrobes, I decided to do something with my hair. That’s when I realized I hadn’t managed to wash all the shampoo out of my hair. It was full of bubbles and suds! How did I miss this?!

Back into the shoebox shower (which really could’ve had better water pressure) and was low key grateful for getting back in since it turned out I had only shaved one leg the first go round. I told you, I WAS A SPAZ.

I got out of the shower, and got back in since THERE WAS STILL SHAMPOO IN MY HAIR. Seriously, I don’t even know what was going on anymore.

I get out, put on some shorts and lie on the bed in a state of exhaustion. It’s tough being an idiot, never let anyone tell you otherwise. The bed was so comfy, the sheets so nice, I truly thought my woes were over… but they weren’t.

“Why is there blood on the bed?”

Good God, it looked like the slaughtering of a small animal had happened. I had completely sliced open the back of my leg while shaving. My face was actually starting to hurt from all the face palming I had been doing.

I was able to bandage myself up and (somewhat) clean the bedsheets. Luckily, it was at this point that Kimpton was having its free wine hour. It was the only thing that went right for me that night.

Honestly, this wasn’t a bad hotel. It was more of a bad hotel guest (me) happening to a good room. It’s also a pet friendly hotel with food and water bowls at the entrance which I thought was quite sweet. I wouldn’t mind staying here again, I will just make sure not to let the claustrophobic bathroom get to me next time.